Dear Zachary

Dear Zachary,

I woke up today with you on my heart.

Maybe it's because you tip-toed into our bedroom around 3 AM,

climbing into our bed to snuggle between us,

or maybe it's because you are turning 4 soon, growing up so quickly,

or maybe it's because my role as your mommy has been heavy on my heart lately.

I remember so vividly, like it was yesterday, the day you were born.

It was Easter time.  I started having trouble on Maundy Thursday after church.

I remember the panic and fear I felt being only 24 weeks pregnant and things not being right.

Two weeks later, there you were.

I remember when I first laid eyes on you in that incubator.

My heart torn in two.  I could not hold you, I could only touch your tiny hand.

I rejoiced over your beautiful life and feared for it all at the same time.

How did my body fail you so?

How can I, your mommy, help you now?

This Easter you are turning 4 and I just don't know where the time is going.

You are a little boy, constantly on the move, an emotional rollar coaster,

incredibly independent and beautifully sweet.

I love when you wake up from sleeping and climb into my lap with your "get" just wanting to snuggle close.  I love when you sing, not really knowing all the words, but still singing with confidence.   I love when you laugh and giggle at your sister.  I love the conversations that we are having now and the way your expressions are lived out in your voice.  I love your energy.  I love your questions and how you quote lines from your favorite shows - so your daddy's son!

I love your heart and your sensitive side. 

Being your mommy is a joy and a privilege.  

  I want so much to be the mommy you need,

to help you understand the world around you,

and how you fit in it, cope with it and make the most out of it.

I want to be the mommy that you know is always there for you,

who will protect you, love you, forgive you, help you, listen to you, hear you, and allow you to be who you are.  

Being a mom is not always easy. 

It's exhausting. It's challenging. It's humbling.

I don't always handle your emotions well.

I don't always handle my emotions well.

I don't always have patience.

I don't always help you understand things, I just want you to do them as I say.

I don't always understand you.

I don't always take the time to try to understand you.

I am not perfect, although I want so much to be.

But I do know that being a mom is what I have always wanted to be.

And here I am.

I am your mom. And I love it!

So dearest Zachary,

I want you to know today, that I love everything about you.

Your smile, your smell, your feelings, your roller-coaster emotions, your never ending energy, your sweet heart, your stubborn pride, the way your mind works, the way you pray, the way you show love...

And as I walk through life with my own pride, independence, roller-coaster emotions, stubbornness...

(yes, ask your father, he'll confirm these things!)

I promise to remember that even at 40, I don't have life all figured out,

so how can I possibly expect you to at 4.

I will work on breathing deep, giving you space, being firm but loving, setting boundaries but allowing room to stretch, and learning to forgive as I need forgiveness too.

For more than anything, I want you to know grace;

a love that is perfect and unconditional and beautiful -

Jesus.

And as we walk this path of life together, mother and son,

may I model for you the love and life I have found in Him.

And may you grow to know that nothing you do can separate you from my love,

and nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from Jesus.

I love you, my son.

I am so proud of you and so proud to be your mommy.